Jokes for blokes

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. At least he’ll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won’t do what she’s told.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, SuffeRING.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me “What’s on the TV?”
I said, “Dust!”

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman, now, neither God nor Man has rested.

My wife and I are inseparable.
In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mothers-in-law.

Young Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:”Wife Wanted.”
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wishes, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a minute and then says, “OK, give me a million dollars and then beat me half to death.”

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.