The Chronic of Narnia - SNL skit

Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of […]

Our larger, which art in barrels,
Hallowed by thy fame,
They will be drunk, I will be drunk,
At home, as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the ale, the pilsner, and the […]

Chuck Says “No!”

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to playtogether.
One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to goget thefarmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the […]

WOMEN’S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You’ll be dead meat
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = […]

40-ish…………………………..49.
Adventurous…………………..Slept with everyone.
Athletic………………………….No breasts.
Average looking………………..Moooo.
Beautiful……………………….Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure…………….On medication.
Feminist…………………………..Fat or skinny, certainly ugly.
Free spirit……………………….Junkie.
Friendship first………………….Former slut.
New-Age………………………..Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned…………………..No BJs.
Open-minded…………………..Desperate.
Outgoing………………………..Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional……………………..Bitch.
Voluptuous……………………..Very Fat.
Large frame…………………….Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate………………Stalker.

Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits in.
Girls want to control the man in their life.
Grown women know that if he’s truly hers, he doesn’t need controlling.
Girls check you for not […]

A woman went to dinner with her boyfriend at his parents house for the first time and was eager to make a good impression. The boyfriends mother however had cooked a rich mexican meal full of onions and beans. Shortly into the dinner the woman felt a fart coming on but try as she might […]

A housewife is at home when she suddenly hears a knock on the door.
When she opens the door a man asks her if she has a vagina. The woman slams the door in disbelief at what a stranger has just asked her.
The same thing happens for three consecutive days and the woman decides to tell […]

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote […]

What men do after sex?
2% eat; 3% smoke cigarettes; 4% take a shower; 5% go to sleep and 86% get up and go back home to their wives.
Why is your penis better than a credit card?
(a) Once spent it recharges itself.
(b) It is accepted worldwide.
(c) You can let your […]

(To the tune of Craig David - Rewind):
“VAN PER-SIE, WHEN A GIRL SAYS NO - MOLEST HER”

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.
Not only does Chuck Norris talk in the third-person, he sees in the third-person.
Most men are […]

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the […]

1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door […]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So […]

There once was a man from Cass,
who’s balls were made out of brass.
During stormy weather,
his balls clanged together,
and a lightning bolt shot from his ass.
There once was a man from Pompeii.
Who fashioned a c*nt out of clay.
He stuck in his prick;
The clay turned to brick;
And wore his poor foreskin away.
There once was a young […]

How do you kill a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun
How do you kill a green elephant?
Choke it until it turns blue then use the blue elephant gun

(Not my original work by the way, but I thought it would be rather educational - in a comical way. That’s why it’s in news as well as humour.)
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn […]